News With a Fuse

Nightingsmell

2009-04-28T12:00:00.003-04:00

A trend catching on is facials made from nightingale bird droppings. It gives a whole new meaning to the term shitfaced...

http://edition.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/07/02/pl.birdpoofacial/index.html

It originated in Japan, so if you can't afford to get shitfaced with a facial, you can order a can from Japan and get shitcanned:

http://chidoriyaworld.stores.yahoo.net/nigdrop.html

Who comes up with this shit? Literally! Was an aging Geisha sitting in her garden sipping green tea, enjoying the mountain breeze and had the thought, "The skin on the but of that nightingale is so soft, so supple, so firm. I wonder..."

Britney's Come Back Tour

2009-04-09T10:04:00.007-04:00

In Vancouver Weds night, Britney Spears pulled the plug on her sold-out Circus concert 15 minutes and three songs into her performance – departing the stage and leaving the audience in the dark for more than half an hour.

Now I know why this was called her come back tour, because the crowd was yelling, "COME BACK! You only sang 3 songs!"

Economic Cry Sis

2009-02-14T11:46:00.003-05:00

Obama announces top pics to help lead during our Nation's Economic Crisis. Trusted advisors or merely the blind leading the blind? The Chief Performance Officer didn't pay taxes, new treasury dude, apparently took him 3 years to sort his out, and Tom Daschle, not so much.

I used to never be able to figure it out. Republicans are always blabbing to lower taxes and democrats always want better gov. programs. Now I understand why, Democrats don't care about lower taxes, they don't even pay taxes!

Lame Duck Ducks

2008-12-15T11:58:00.006-05:00

For years we've wanted to give Bush the boot, finally someone did:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/12/14/bush-visits-iraq-for-fina_n_150832.html

I say kudos to that guy, whose name we can't pronounce, for throwing things we wouldn't have thought to. He could have thrown something totally unoriginal at Bush like eggs, pies, tomatoes or a spitball. But no, he went for the shoe. That's right. Because his culture says it's more offensive.

The only downside is that when you throw shoes at a world leader, it's easy for the secret service to figure out who did it... "Get that shoeless guy!"

Minor Photos

2008-04-30T16:41:00.006-04:00

This image of Miley Cyrus in Vanity Fair sparked an international news story. The Annie Leibowitz photograph of the 15-year-old Hannah Montana star was deemed offensive by many, when it was supposed to be artistic.

77% of People magazine readers thought it was "inappropriate for a 15-year-old." The ironic reality is that magazines are filled with ads of half-naked or completely naked girls under the age of 18. That sexy leg in a perfume ad - 14 year old. The flawless back skin for a lotion ad – 15 years old. The average age of a magazine model is 17, which means most models are washed up by 25 and long gone are their modeling days by 30. So, sadly Miley Cyrus is just one of many minors showing some skin to sell a product. In this case it was magazines.

I personally think Miley Cyrus shouldn’t worry about being exposed, but over-exposed! She’s everywhere I turn around.

I do believe there is an appropriate age that a parent should make a child wait to start getting photographed without clothes, but a kid is never too young to get photographed without her unibrow... Lordy Lordes! Madonna, get that adorable little girl a wax job!!!!

Sure, some parents make girls wait until they are 10 years-old to get their ears pierced, or 15 to start highlighting their hair. Whatever. I get it. I do.

I don't get why a mother worth millions won't shell out the the $10 that it would cost to remove the lawless patch of hair above her daughter's nose. Thread it, pluck it, wax it, I don't care how, but remove it.

Stop Gunning Down and Man Up

2008-04-25T09:09:00.007-04:00

In an anti-terrorism measure, Police quipped with submachine guns, body armor and bomb sniffing dogs, will start patrolling subway trains and stations.

I like to think I have a creative mind, but I can't come up with a scenario where cops fire machine guns in a subway and innocent bystanders aren't being shot. Really there's no scenario where automatic weapons on a subway is a good idea. Commuters, machine guns, throw in a dog, in a tightly packed moving train is really just a recipe for disaster.

The only appropriate reason for machine guns in the subway is if it was shut down to commuters and the police are addressing a rodent problem. Then automatic weapons would be perfectly acceptable.

The price tag for the genius operation - $151 million. In a city where public schools are short on books and desks, this really disturbs me.

There comes a point where you have to stop and wonder if our government is really fighting terror, or simply creating it.

Climate Changes, So Does Bush

2008-04-16T16:55:00.005-04:00

President Bush changes his stance on climate change and now acknowledges that global warming is happening. Noteworthy because this officially makes him the LAST person on the planet to know about the planet.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/04/16/bush.climate.ap/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

Even the Pope is bashing Bush for too little, too late! And by 'The Pope' I, of course, mean Carl Pope, Executive Director of the Sierra Club:

"The president is throwing a Hail Mary to polluters in a last-ditch effort to stave off any meaningful action on global warming. Under the president's plan we'll need a real miracle to save us from global warming," said Carl Pope, executive director of the Sierra Club.

http://www.abcnews.go.com/Politics/story?id=4663965&page=1

Bush is like the airline representative that shows up after a crash to say something comforting like, "Oops, uh, sorry about that...can I offer you some complimentary peanuts?"

Mill-ing Around

2008-03-18T14:17:00.004-04:00

During divorce proceedings, Heather Mills poured a glass of water over Paul McCartney’s lawyer, Fiona Shackleton.

You’d think Mills would be old enough now to not still be a head-wetter. But I guess now it’s all water under the bridge…and over the lawyer.”

The crazy part is that Shackleton looks much better after her unexpected makeover. She looks younger, fresher, hipper, like she might be looking into changing her name to Fi-Shack.

Mills is now in the process of blocking the publication of the court proceedings, as they might cast her in a bad light… so, apparently she did something crazier than pouring water over a lawyer during court? Goes back to the age old question, does money make people nuts, or do nutty people somehow always find their way to money?

The Eyes Have It

2008-01-31T14:45:00.001-05:00

Researchers at University of Copenhagen have concluded that all blue-eyed people share a common ancestor, a single person who mutated the brown-eyed gene.

So, if you have blue eyes, next time you’re affectionately looking into the eyes of your blue-eyed lover, just remember…you’re related! Yep, yer kissin’ cousins, sicko! And not only are you related, but you’re related with a mutant defect!

Now, before you go breaking up with your ancestral sibling, take it with a grain of salt, it was reported by Fox News, after all:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,327070,00.html

*Even odder than this article - every time I searched google images for "blue-eyed neanderthal" or "blue-eyed cave man" it pulled up a picture of Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh No She Dih n't!

2008-01-30T10:37:00.002-05:00

Speaking to a mostly Latino audience in Las Vegas, Hillary Clinton relates to the group by saying, "All of our problems are interconnected, but we treat them as though one is guacamole and one is chips."

Even though Bill and Hillary are champions for minority issues, they ironically repeatedly endorse stereotypes. And, Hill, you might want to lay off the chips until you get that foot out of your mouth.

Next on the campaign trail, Clinton will be in New Orleans, explaining how they are alike, "Like red beans and rice." And in Alabama, she will address a group of African Americans and explain that they can come together "like watermelon and fried chicken."

The Nude Flug

2008-01-29T14:40:00.001-05:00

Starting this summer, a German travel agency is offering a holiday flight where passengers can fly naked.

Apparently Germans are "nostalgic for the naturism that was authorized and extremely popular under communist rule." Say what? They miss communism because of the freedom it provided?

Sadly, I'm not providing the world with this information, Reuters is:
http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSL2975435320080129

I've always joked while taking off belts, shoes and jackets at airport security that pretty soon everyone would have to start flying in the buff. The Germans are now bringing this dream to life.

I'm a nervous flyer anyway, so being at 35,000 feet with a bunch of nude Germans isn't my idea of a holiday. I know I could stoop to jokes like 'trouser snakes on a plane' or 'putting the cock back in cockpit' or 'passengers so friendly they'll give you the shirt off their back.' Instead I'll take the high road and address some practical issues to be tackled:

- Overhead compartments. So you want to be free. You're in the buff ready to embark on your first nude flight. Then an older frauline attempts to put her carry-on bag above you. Her bits are swinging back and forth in front of you as she shakes and jiggles while lifting her luggage above her head, revealing her unshaven arms. Then a robust gentleman jumps up to help her, now you've got his schwizzle stick smacking the side of the in-flight magazine you're pretending to read.

- The germ factor. I'm sketched out by plane seats anyway, because they are never cleaned. I can't fathom plunking my bare ass down in someone else's butt friction juice.

- Turbulance. Just imagine, you've ordered that dangerously full cup of coffee, mixed it up just the way you like it. You go to take a sip and turbulance spills it in your lap. You think, "Oh, it's just on my jeans....AAAAAHHHHHHHHH, I'm not wearing any!"

- Ein Gestank - It's a fact that the air pressure changes in flights cause the human body to generate gas. I don't think I need to elaborate furthur as you can imagine a full flight without the protective gas-diffusing layers of underpants, pants and an in-flight blanket.

- Temperature. Flghts to often be cold. Men, one word: shrinkage.

Controlling our Borders, eh?

2008-01-24T11:19:00.001-05:00

While we’re fighting to control all of the people coming in our borders, our nation has developed a skyrocketing dependence on foreign imports. Everything and everyone is infiltrating our country, with one of the most elusive problem right in our backyard.

That’s right, I’m talking about Canadian Comeic Sleeper Cells, (CCSC). Not only are Canadians smuggling in their politeness and similar pennies, but also comedy.

The CCSC have more easily disguised accent that their British Commonwealth counterparts. They blend in, slowly permeating U.S. comedy circles, peddling their bootlegged laughs into our underground comedy clubs. Yes, they’re comedy mules, using their bodies to get their black-market hysterical humor here to sell for profit. Some even get enough Americans hooked to rise through the ranks to become Comedy Kingpins or Laugh-Lords.

You might even be unknowingly harboring these quit-witted people on your TiVo, iPhone, or DVD collection. I’m talking about Samantha Bee, John Candy, Jim Carrey, Jason Jones, Martin Short, Dan Aykroyd, Mike Myers, Caroline Rhea, and the big guy, the mac daddy, the top banana, Lorne Michaels! Oh, and you’re not fooling anyone Tommy Chong of Cheech and Chong, I know where you're from.

That’s right, they’re all hockey-loving Canucks, silently snuggled in between our Jon Stewarts and Ray Romanos.

We’ll let other nationalities into our dramas, our documentaries, hell, even our beds with their sexy accents, but come on, we have standards, we’re not going to let just anyone into our comedy! There are rules about these things. As a nation, we can’t agree on wars, abortion or taxes, but we unite for comedy.

Prime example, The Office - hysterical British TV show. Do we take to it like Germans and a David Hasselhoff show? No, we make our own hit show with American actors because of regulatory comedic standards. It’s like prescription drugs, you can’t just bring it in from anywhere. These things have to be certified.

The last British comedian Americans embraced as a collective body of people was Charlie Chaplin. That’s because he kept his cockney trap shut!

Sure, you might think Rowan Atkinson is funny, but the nation isn’t behind you. As a nation, we don’t have your back. Mr. Bean is too formal of a stage name for our informal society. If he had gone with Buttah Bean or Lim A. Bean, he might have had a chance.

I know, I could google and find an Australian or New Zealand comedian that is hilarious, but the average American wouldn’t know them. Hell, the average American doesn't know where New Zealand is on the map.

We search the globe looking for the best, then compartmentalize things. We’re a country that gets our IT phone operators from India, our toys from China, our dry-cleaners from Korea, and our kiddy-porn from Thailand. So it’s only fitting that we’d import our comedy from Canada.

Coke is Dope, but the Vac is Crack!

2008-01-02T16:45:00.001-05:00

A couple of researchers in Houston are working on a first-ever cocaine vaccine. It's not all smoke and mirrors, but a legit study at Baylor College of Medicine.

I'm no scientist, but I thought vaccinations were used prior to getting a disease or problem?

I guess it's for if you have a child, and you notice he stares just a little too long at his mobile, or maybe he's a bit shadey on the playground, hangs out with the dodgy kids, low-rides his elastic waist jeans to show a little of his pampers for street cred, or maybe he chills with K-Fed's kids...and you know which road he's going down. Time for the coke vac. Or maybe you bust a family member with pot, and it's time to cut them off at the gateway pass with the crack vac.

And what about all the people out there who tried pot and never got past the gateway? What a bunch of disappointments, not living up to their full drug potential. Now they can do the crack vac, then reach their career highs.

I love a story with a happy ending.

Snake Save

2008-01-02T14:14:00.000-05:00

An Australian python was saved after undergoing surgery to remove 4 golf balls that were mistaken for eggs.

Now I'm not opposed to snake saving, but do we need to save a stupid snake? Man, pythons will eat anything, they are the goats of the reptile kingdom.

Out on a Limb

2007-11-07T09:10:00.000-05:00

A two-year-old Indian girl born with four arms and four legs is recovering in intensive care today after a risky but successful 27-hour operation to remove her two extra arms and legs.

Personally, I think they should have waited until the girl was older and let her decide. I'm sure there are downsides to extra limbs, but as a child, there are more benefits. Think of the killer cartwheels she'd be able to do! And how intimidating she would be at arm wrestling saying "pick a hand, any hand." Or how she'd have a leg up in the three legged race.

I bet it's going to come back to bite her parents in the butt, and she'll be the laziest child alive, because her mom will say, "Could you give me a hand with this?" and she'll be like, "Well, I could have!"

To Surge or Not To Surge

2007-09-27T11:35:00.002-04:00

Ah, it’s that time of the year, September, kids are going back to school, the air is getting cooler, Congress is going back in session, Bush is asking for more war money.

The report coming from the General is general, and Republicans are saying that Iraq is safer.

Talking with Wolf Blitzer, Rep. Charles Boustany from Louisiana bragged that he had just returned from Iraq and things are better because he was “able to walk the streets of Fallujiah…” with a “platoon of Marines.”

A platoon of Marines? Are you kidding me! I could walk through anywhere with a platoon of Marines! With a platoon of Marines, I would've been able to get the latest Harry Potter book the day it came out!

War on Weather

2007-09-27T11:11:00.000-04:00

Bush now has to acknowledge Global Warming without using the phrase “Global Warming.”

Since Bush refuses to use the word Global Warming, his PR team instead came up with the subdued phrase “Climate Change.” Other terms that were considered were “War on Weather” and “Freedom Weather” and “The We-went-to-war-for-oil-we-can’t-use Conflict”

Bush doesn’t want to address global warming because it’s a costly problem. He figures it’s much cheaper to lose 1/5 of our landmass.

Scientists are meeting in Paris to decide how severe global warming will be – but of course the decision won’t be recognized stateside because it came from France!

What's All the Stink About?

2007-01-08T14:06:00.001-05:00

The odd gas smell has most New Yorkers concerned. Not Mayor Bloomberg, who brushes it off, "It's just a case of gas, nothing to worry about."

Many headlines say "Gas-Like Odor Worries Workers Across NYC." I love this because it makes me wonder if people not working are sniffing around thinking, "What's that? Awe, screw it, it's my day off, I'm fine."

Some New Yorkers might have flashbacks to the mystery maple syrup smell of 2005. But it reminds me of what happened yesterday on the 3 train.

I was standing at a crowded platform when a packed three train pulled up. I noticed one empty car, so I ran and jumped on it along with a few other people. As soon as I was about four steps in the car, I must have inhaled. I can't describe the smell in words and do it justice, but it did activate my gag reflex and my lungs locked up refusing to let any more air in. It's the kind of smell there should be laws against.

I ran to the doors as they slammed shut, trapping me in the moving stink-mobile. I ran left, the other passengers ran right. I almost tripped over a giant homeless guy brewing in his own stew as I fought my way out of the car and onto the next. Gasping for air and fighting with the door, I was greeted with giggles, smiles and one guy laughing his ass off. I heard someone say, "Damn, peoples gettin' outta there like there's a fire or somethin'... like a fire in your nose!" And everyone howled.

That wasn't the funny part. The funny part was the anticipation in the train at each stop, as everyone leaned in to watch through the glass window as passengers got on the skunky car. It was the same thing at each stop. Passengers would take three to five steps in, get wide-eyed, look disoriented for a second or two, then cover their nose and race for a door.

Arctic Ice gets Out Foxed

2006-12-12T15:33:00.001-05:00

Is the melting glass of arctic ice half-empty or half-full? According to Fox News, half full.

After scientists released a study that all arctic ice will be melted by 2040, most media sources pointed out that wildlife will become extinct or that coastlines will disappear, but not Fox News. They lead their story with,

“Ships will be able to sail over the top of the world and tourists will be able visit what was, until climate change, one of the planet's most inaccessible landscapes.”

So while there may be catastrophic flooding, droughts, animal extinction and rising temperatures, Americans can sleep well knowing their dreams of taking grandkids on an Arctic cruise will come true.

Awe. I love a story with a happy ending.

The Gore-y Details

2006-12-12T14:52:00.000-05:00

Scientists announce new evidence of Arctic ice melt and confirm that if global warming is not reversed, all ice will be melted by 2040. When asked for comment, Al Gore gave a simple, “See? I told you so.”

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh…Christmas…Tree?

2006-12-12T14:26:00.000-05:00

The Christmas trees at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport were quickly removed after a local rabbi complained. Elected officials and religious leaders criticized the hasty tree removal. Critics will be even more dismayed when they realize that the airport also agreed to remove all pork products from the restaurants and will be closed on Saturdays.

The Skinny on Nicole Richie

2006-12-12T12:20:00.000-05:00

The 85 lbs. celebrity, Nicole Richie was served with a DUI after driving the wrong way down a freeway. She volunteered the information that she had smoked marijuana and taken Vicodin prior to driving.

Initially, cops suspected her of drinking and driving, to which she accidentally refuted, “drinking, no way! That has calories. Calories are for losers! But Vicadin and pot are Fat Free. Oops. I mean, uh…”

Food for Thought

2006-12-12T11:37:00.000-05:00

First it was sinnister spinach, then we were taunted by tomatoes, now the deadly green onions are terrorizing America. How are we supposed to get Iraq under control, when we don't even have the government man-power to take down a few unarmed vegtables?

So here's the food for thought. Maybe we should ship our produce to Iraq, because everyone knows how hard it is to organize suicide bomb missions when your pooping blood.

Gas Leak on American Airlines Flight

2006-12-06T22:08:00.001-05:00

An American Airlines flight made an emergency landing in Nashville after a gassy passenger struck matches to cover up the smell of her own gas. I’ve never been on a flight where someone was thrown off for tooting, but I’ve been on flights where someone should have been!

The woman plans to sue to airlines for flatulence discrimination. An American Airlines representative stated, “Instead of striking matches, she should have had the courtesy to do what all other gas laden passengers do, which is yell, ‘Who Farted?’”

I made that last part up, but I’d be pretty embarrassed if my 15 minutes of fame were from a fart.

Going Dutch

2006-11-19T01:20:00.001-05:00

The Dutch government has established a burqa ban! This is outrageous, I mean if you're going to ban an article of clothing, it should be the skinny jeans, because those are discriminatory! But a burqua? Sure, they're a little frumpy and style lacking, but not overly offensive. Leg warmers, now that's offensive, or those short knit shorts attached to the top, those don't look good on anyone. But the burqua? I mean who hasn't had a bad hair and wished they could just wrap their worries away?

Those poor Muslims in Holland. Well, at least they have prostitutes and pot to keep their mind off of things.

Actually with the US being the fattest nation, I'm surprised we haven't banned the skinny jeans yet. Don't worry. It's coming...

Proving Americans are Stupid, One Article at a Time

2006-11-16T16:58:00.000-05:00

Actress Rachel Weisz gives birth to controversy by saying it's fine to have the occasional glass of wine during pregnancy. A doctor at St. Luke's Roosevelt Hospital in New York blasts Weisz for making this comment as the public might "not understand the concept of moderation."

Mohhhhh-deerrrrhhh-aye-tion? I, like, think I've heard that word before...I, uh, think it means, like, no keg-stands because you'll have trouble finding people to hoist your fat pregnancy self up.

Rach, go back to London, clearly we don't understand moderation, so stop confusing us with your weisz-ass comments.

It's Fowl, I know

2006-11-15T15:13:00.000-05:00

A turkey delaying traffic in New York the week before Thanksgiving? Come on, that's just too good to ignore!

Turkey flys the coup

2006-11-15T15:04:00.000-05:00

An erratic turkey stalled traffic yesterday at NYC toll plaza. The local construction worker who caught the fowl and turned it over to authorities explained, "It felt great to finally give cops the bird."

Turkey Lurkey

2006-11-15T14:57:00.001-05:00

A turkey stalled traffic yesterday at NYC toll plaza when she didn’t have the money necessary to get on the Triborough bridge. Although she was in a fowl mood, she apologized and explained that she was on her way to a pre-Thanksgiving poultry protest rally.

Wild Turkey

2006-11-15T14:56:00.000-05:00

The wild turkey that stalled traffic yesterday at NYC toll plaza was charged with a DUI after officials realized she was half-baked.

Turkey Leftovers

2006-11-15T14:54:00.001-05:00

New reports state that the wild turkey that stalled traffic yesterday at NYC toll plaza had originally planned to jump off the bridge as part of a dare, after friends called him a chicken.

Cell Hell

2006-11-15T09:20:00.000-05:00

Mayor Bloomberg's ban on cell phones in schools has students and parents outraged. Yesterday, over 2,300 students were called, but sadly none could be reached for comment.

Lon-Don Mice, See How They Run

2006-11-14T11:05:00.000-05:00

After a new cell transplant surgery, three blind mice in London are now able to see. In other news, the old lady who had been living in a shoe with her children has now been moved into a condo in Tampa.

Creative Retaliation

2006-11-09T13:03:00.000-05:00

People outraged by the Democrat’s victorious elections went to extreme measures to steal the media spotlight. President Bush fired Rumsfield, Britney Spears filed for divorce, Lindsay Lohan crashed her car again, and the most extreme was the Oregon residents who staged a flood.

Apple Bites

2006-10-26T12:16:00.000-04:00

Apple recalled iPods infected with the contageous RavMone virus. To prevent the spread of other musically transmitted viruses, Apple has teamed with Trojan to create a TroPod…

Madonna Gets Hot

2006-10-26T12:15:00.000-04:00

A 90 degree temperature was reported at a recent Madonna concert after she demanded the air conditioning be turned off. By the third song the only fan left in the audience was battery operated.

Playin' with Preston

2006-10-26T12:13:00.000-04:00

According to an US Weekly poll, 73% of the people surveyed would NOT let their child play at Britney Spear’s house. In response to this Britney replied, “Y’all, I’m so embarrassed. 73%? That’s like, almost half!”

Getting the Nip, is Hip

2006-10-26T12:12:00.000-04:00

Scientists have discovered that by circumcising adult males, they can reduce their chances of getting HIV…apparently it’s harder for a man to contract sexually transmitted diseases with his boner bandaged, who knew?

Rock, Cracker, Scissors

2006-10-26T12:11:00.001-04:00

Comedian Chris Rock's mother, Rose Rock, is planning to sue the restaurant Cracker Barrel for racial discrimination. A spokesperson from Cracker Barrel's parent company, Politically Incorrect Restaurants, released a statement saying, "Just so there's no confusion where we stand on Race Relations, the restaurant name includes the word CRACKER."

SIT STILL!!!!

2006-10-24T13:17:00.000-04:00

A new study shows that simple movements such as FIDGETING can help people live longer…so when your mom told you to stop fidgeting… She was just trying to kill you.