News With a Fuse

January 29, 2008

The Nude Flug

Starting this summer, a German travel agency is offering a holiday flight where passengers can fly naked.

Apparently Germans are "nostalgic for the naturism that was authorized and extremely popular under communist rule." Say what? They miss communism because of the freedom it provided?

Sadly, I'm not providing the world with this information, Reuters is:

I've always joked while taking off belts, shoes and jackets at airport security that pretty soon everyone would have to start flying in the buff. The Germans are now bringing this dream to life.

I'm a nervous flyer anyway, so being at 35,000 feet with a bunch of nude Germans isn't my idea of a holiday. I know I could stoop to jokes like 'trouser snakes on a plane' or 'putting the cock back in cockpit' or 'passengers so friendly they'll give you the shirt off their back.' Instead I'll take the high road and address some practical issues to be tackled:

- Overhead compartments. So you want to be free. You're in the buff ready to embark on your first nude flight. Then an older frauline attempts to put her carry-on bag above you. Her bits are swinging back and forth in front of you as she shakes and jiggles while lifting her luggage above her head, revealing her unshaven arms. Then a robust gentleman jumps up to help her, now you've got his schwizzle stick smacking the side of the in-flight magazine you're pretending to read.

- The germ factor. I'm sketched out by plane seats anyway, because they are never cleaned. I can't fathom plunking my bare ass down in someone else's butt friction juice.

- Turbulance. Just imagine, you've ordered that dangerously full cup of coffee, mixed it up just the way you like it. You go to take a sip and turbulance spills it in your lap. You think, "Oh, it's just on my jeans....AAAAAHHHHHHHHH, I'm not wearing any!"

- Ein Gestank - It's a fact that the air pressure changes in flights cause the human body to generate gas. I don't think I need to elaborate furthur as you can imagine a full flight without the protective gas-diffusing layers of underpants, pants and an in-flight blanket.

- Temperature. Flghts to often be cold. Men, one word: shrinkage.

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